PyroUrsoMania №3

The burning of the bear, Tarantino-absurd style


THREE YOUNG CREATURES, obviously in over their heads, sit at a
table with pancakes, french fries and quas pops laid out.

One of them flips the LOUD BOLT on the door, opening it to
REVEAL Inigo and Tomas in the hallway.

INIGO
Hey there.

The two men stroll inside.

The three young caught-off-guard Creatures are:

MARVIN
The black young wolf, who opened the door, will, as the scene
progresses, back into the corner.

RAINARD
A young red-haired fox with a "Flock of Seagulls"
haircut, who has yet to say a word, sits at the table with a
big sloppy pancake in his hand.

BJORN
A white, preppy-looking sort who looks somehow savage.

Inigo and Tomas take in the place, with their hands in their
pockets. Inigo is the one who does the talking.

Read more...

INIGO
How are you?

No answer.

INIGO
(to Bjorn)
Am I trippin', or did I just ask
you a question.

BJORN
We're doin' okay.

As Inigo and Bjorn talk, Tomas moves behind the young Creatures.

INIGO
Do you know who we are?

Bjorn shakes his head: "No."

INIGO
We're associates of your business
partner Mr. Wolf, you
remember your business partner
dont'ya?

No answer.

INIGO
(to Bjorn)
Now I'm gonna take a wild guess
here: you're Bjorn, right?

BJORN
I'm Bjorn.

INIGO
I thought so. Well, you remember
your business partner Mr/
Wolf, dont'ya Bjorn?

BJORN
I remember him.

INIGO
Good for you. Looks like me and
Tomas caught you at breakfast,
sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?

BJORN
Pancakes.

INIGO
Pancakes. The cornerstone of any
nutritious breakfast. What kinda
pancakes?

BJORN
Wi' cheese.

INIGO
No, I mean where did you get'em?
GrandPa's GrandMa's, the Rainbow Hen, where?

BJORN
Big Kolobok Pancakes.

INIGO
Big Kolobok Pancakes. That's that
old pancake joint. I heard
they got some tasty pancakes. I
ain't never had one myself, how are
they?

BJORN
They're good.

INIGO
Mind if I try one of yours?

BJORN
No.

INIGO
Yours is this one, right?

BJORN
Yeah.

Inigo grabs the pancake and take a bite of it.

INIGO
Uuummmm, that's a tasty pancake.
(to Tomas)
Tom, you ever try a Big Kolobok
Pancake?

TOMAS
No.

Inigo holds out the Big Kolobok.

INIGO
You wanna bite, they're real good.

TOMAS
I ain't hungry.

INIGO
Well, if you like pancakes give
'em a try sometime. Me, I can't
usually eat 'em 'cause I only eat 'em with condensed milk.But since I
can see none, it doesn' happen that often.But God, do I love the taste of a good
pancake.
(to Bjorn)
You know what they call a Quarter
Pounder with Cheese in France?

BJORN
No.

INIGO
Tell 'em, Tomas.

TOMAS
Royale with Cheese.

INIGO
Royale with Cheese, you know why
they call it that?

BJORN
Because of the metric system?

INIGO
Check out the big brain on Bjorn.
You'a smart motherfucker, that's
right. The metric system.
(he points to a fast
food drink cup)
What's in this?

BJORN
Quas.

INIGO
Quas, good, mind if I have some
of your tasty beverage to wash this
down with?

BJORN
Sure.

Jules grabs the cup and takes a sip.

INIGO
Uuuuummmm, hits the spot!
(to Rainard)
You, Flock of Seagulls, you know
what we're here for?

Rainard nods his head: "Yes."

INIGO
Then why don't you tell my boy here
TOm, where you got the car hid.

MARVIN
It's under the be --

INIGO
-- I don't remember askin' you a
goddamn thing.
(to Rainard)
You were sayin'?

RAINARD
It's under the bed.

TOMAS moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a
black Ford.

TOMAS
Got it.

Tomas opens the door on his side. We can't see
what's inside, but a small glow emits from the car. Tomas
just stares at it, transfixed.

INIGO
We happy?

No answer from the transfixed Tomas.

INIGO
Tomas!

Tomas looks up at Inigo.

INIGO
We happy?

Closing the car.

TOMAS
We're happy.

BJORN
(to Inigo)
Look, what's your name? I got his
name's Tomas, but what's yours?

INIGO
My name's Pitt, and you ain't
talkin' your ass outta this shit.

BJORN
I just want you to know how sorry
we are about how fucked up things
got between us and Mr. Wolf.
When we entered into this thing, we
only had the best intentions --

As Bjorn talks, Jules takes out his gun and SHOOTS Rainard three
times in the chest, BLOWING him out of his chair.

Tom smiles to himself. Inigo has got style.

Bjorn has just shit the floor. He's not crying or whimpering,
but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.

INIGO
(to Bjorn)
Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your
concentration? I didn't mean to do
that. Please, continue. I believe
you were saying something about
"best intentions."

Bjorn can't say a word.

INIGO
Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through
anyway. Well, let me retort.
Would you describe for me what
Mr. Wolf looks like?

Bjorn still can't speak.

INIGO SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the card table over, removing
the only barrier between himself and Bjorn. Bjorn now sits in
a lone chair before Inigo like a political prisoner in front
of an interrogator.

INIGO
Tell me of this car!

BJORN
(petrified)
What?

INIGO
"What" ain't no car I know! Is it English?

BJORN
(near heart attack)
What?

INIGO
English-motherfucker-is-
it?

BJORN
Yes.

INIGO
Do you understand what I'm
sayin'?

BJORN
Yes.

INIGO
Now describe what Mr. Wolf
looks like!

BJORN
(out of fear)
What?

Inigo takes his .45 and PRESSES the barrel HARD in Bjorn's
cheek.

INIGO
Say "What" again! C'mon, say
"What" again! I dare ya, I double
dare ya motherfucker, say "What"
one more goddamn time!

Bjorn is regressing on the spot.

INIGO
Now describe to me what Mister
Wolf looks like!

Bjorn does his best.

BJORN
Well he's ...he's...grey --

INIGO
-- go on!

BJORN
...and he's...he's...furry --

INIGO
-- does he look like a bitch?!

BJORN
(without thinking)
What?

Inigo's eyes go to Tomas, Tomas smirks, Inigo rolls his
eyes and SHOOT Bjorn in the shoulder.

Bjorn SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the
chair.

INIGO
Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!

BJORN
(in agony)
No.

INIGO
Then why did you try to fuck 'im
like a bitch?!

BJORN
(in spasm)
I didn't.

Now in a lower voice.

INIGO
Yes ya did Bjorn. Ya tried ta fuck
'im. You ever read the Bible,
Bjorn?

BJORN
(in spasm)
Yes.

INIGO
There's a passage I got memorized,
seems appropriate for this
situation: Ezekiel 25:17. "The path
of the righteous man is beset on
all sides by the woods of the
selfish and the vehicles of evil
men. Blessed is he who, in the
name of charity and good wheels,
shepherds the ursals through the
valley of darkness, for he is truly
his bear's keeper and the finder
of lost. And I will
strike down upon thee with great
vengeance and vehicles of fury those
who attempt to poison and destroy
my brothers. And you will know my
name is the Lord when I lead you into a burning car."

The two men push Bjorn inside a car, which is revealed to be in blazes.

When they are finished, the burning car just releases a TRAIL OF SMOKE.

All is quiet.